you need more milk, you aren’t ready for meat.

we like to measure linearly. and through each linear correlation, we develop dependence; a state of relying on something.

we dissect time under the same linear parameters. a timeline. one end, our beginning. the other, the highest objective we set for ourselves. our timelines peppered with hash marks seeped in the present.

 we meter in terms of here and of there, hoping to land on our targets.

summer slithers through tawny palms and we turn our faces to the transition of fall, to more structure and to some degree of a familiar framework.

as we evaluate our environments, we also evaluate ourselves. a year wiser, more experienced, you look back at your linear growth and can see that you aren’t where you started but you’re not where you want to be, just yet.

a wave of confidence escorts you through the next few weeks until you face a struggle. instantly you revert to habitual tendencies and are reminded that you have already been there.

a recycled routine.

you thought you had mastered this. you thought you had been there, done that, got the t-shirt. how could you be back in this moment?

how do you create the courage to keep from drowning when you are wading through a toxic puddle of déjà vu?

how do you keep running when you feel like you’re crawling?

BUT what if growth isn’t linear? WHAT IF instead of looking at life as single creations, we viewed it as an encompassing formation. see theres a difference between creation and formation.

creation: the action or process of bringing something into existence.

formation: the action of forming or process of transformation.

creation is an instantaneous, immediate satisfaction, but a formation takes time. over time we have trained our brains to forego immediate satisfaction for postponed pleasure. we are complex. we limit ourselves during the pursuit of passion knowing that there is something richer waiting for us. we have trained ourselves to reprimand temptation, to set higher goals, and to fix our eyes toward happiness, success, and love.

now this knowledge wasn’t gained over night. and this wisdom wasn’t bestowed upon you by say, age 8. and at twenty two I still find myself wrestling with different facets of this mentally. but I can look back and say I am not where I started, but I am nowhere near where I want to be.

I can also look back and say that for every transitional season that has tasted familiar, I have newfound stamina – formed endurance. each time I can see that there has been maturation that stands DEGREES from where I once stood.

this is because growth is not linear.

growth happens in rotations.

each revolution intoxicated with revelation.

i am a product of every experience, of every human, and every moment i have digested during the last 8306 days. I am a complex genesis of an impenetrable proposal, perfectly fashioned for me.

it’s hard. it’s hard to remove noxious relationships, attitudes, and mindsets. and it’s hard to silent the antiquity that deems you unworthy of tasting an opulent future.

you need more milk, you aren’t ready for meat.

stay brave. and when you think of all your fights, think of all the times you have been met with force.

for each time you rotate through a predicament, you gain greater perception.

you are supple.

you are worth. no matter where you stand, linearly.

xx

wings.

thirty nine days ago the intermediate of a violet + indigo bay stared back at me as I pushed up the plastic shutter. my mouth went dry. my stomach dropped. my heart was flooded with the same butterflies I get when I meet my brunch plate for the first time.

two suitcases in hand – I arrived in san francisco on a one way flight.

we all have an ideation of ourselves – mine? obviously the marriage between oprah + ruth bader ginsburg, iris apfel’s closet, tied together by the wit of amy poehler, sung by aretha franklin. I mean, perfection.

but perhaps those who know me best know the confidence that I like to exude through a sarcastic, independent, gypsy escape is actually shackled by the fear of being alone.

so here I am, after never living outside of georgia, never having to navigate a city blindly, and maybe scariest of all – never having to rely on public transportation. across the country after turning down a full-time offer. alone.

I sat in my bed and stared at the wall. looking down like…what do I do with my hands. checking my phone remembering I was three hours behind and my comfort blanket knitted by my best friends was asleep. I walked to the nearest coffee shop and sat down. alone.

the next morning I walked to the bus station and rode to work. alone.

as I paced back in forth in the elevator it hit me. this was it.

I would turn the knob to my office to be greeted by a flux of passionate chaos. the same butterflies that had perpetrated my body swam through my bloodstream.

six oclock. I left the office. got on the bus. and began to laugh.

I had done the damn thing – I moved across the country + successfully survived my first day of work. alone.

---

the past few years I have been very dependent. always feeling that I needed someone’s presence in my life for validation. never wanting to embrace the liberation that comes from being single. always caught up in the new, the next. never enjoying the now.

but through each train ride, meal, and experience I am having alone – I’m learning that it produces freedom. YOU control you. that everything you want, can be yours, if you work hard enough. that bad days last for twenty four hours and each sun rise is the chance to try again. that the people who stay up despite time zones are the ones that matter. that home is people, not a physical space.

that every stranger is conversation. that each new opportunity deserves a yes. that you should care about your work but not the result of that work. that artists see the world the way they CHOOSE to see it. that you shouldn’t question where your creativity takes you. that when you treat yourself good, you look good. that your past doesnt matter. but this moment does.

that the world is beautiful + so are you.

---

tonight I pushed up the plastic shutter on my flight home and saw the same sight from thirty nine days ago. emancipation emerging with each wave.

I am pursuing my passion. I have surrounded myself with the most intelligent, thoughtful, INCREDIBLE humans. and I am writing the story I deserve to have. I am happy. I am healthy. and I am alone.

the same butterflies weaved through my skeleton. I hope I never lose those.

+ I hope you find yours.

 

 

reinvent the wheel just to fall asleep at it.

how many times have you spent all day shopping for the perfect outfit to come home with 32 bags, just to end up wearing your favorite shirt with merlot stains from last weeks outing?

looking endlessly for something and to realize its been sitting right in front of you?

we are constantly comparing ourselves. constantly searching for something better. constantly lacking self-confidence within society because we crave validation.

sure, we love that merlot stained shirt but no one is verbally going to validate your appearance tonight. we’ve all seen you wear it, we’ve all borrowed it, and because society dictates it- we feel indoctrinated to wanting the finer things, the fancy cars, the lavish life, while in all actuality, it is our greed that smears our eyesight to our individual goals.

you spent all day complaining on what to wear. moaning about what you didn’t have- scrolling on your instagram, throwing a like to the girl who seems to have it all. comparing.

what if we learned to appreciate what we have now?

what if we learned to celebrate the health we have now before the doctor sits us down at 50 while shaking his head?

what if we spent more time together rather than waiting to miss someone as you scroll through their timeline?

“we reinvent the wheel just to fall asleep at it.” this line has resonated through my soul for the past few weeks. to me it means that we are stuck in this cyclical process of searching for validation. fear of missing out, the “last one best one” mentality, not satisfied with what we already have. at the end of the night despite blasting social media with proof we actually had fun- we’re really just gnats, moths, searching for the last glimmer of light. for some that means swipe right, send that late night miss you text, rolling over and accepting mediocrity- because according to the 300 likes- you killed it tonight but tomorrow morning, you’re still alone.

this happens more often than not and i don’t think that its in the human nature to continue to wallow in sadness just to search for light. but why do we constantly crave daily affirmation from others? sometimes we’re just too jaded, distracted, caught up in comparisons to actually appreciate the beauty that is permeating our lives.

for me this means committing to love myself. we are vessels of wonderful things and if we can’t nurture ourselves, how are we going to be a source to others? verbal validation can only go so far when you can’t even produce it for yourself.

so that leads to forgiveness.

forgive myself- the human adventure is vast, wild, but so similar despite each individual story. while the details are what make us unique, we all share weight on our shoulders. and while you can continue to carry the weight, the load becomes lighter when we choose forgiveness.

do things that inspire me more.

instead of constantly going out because everyone else is- read, learn, feed my passions rather than feeding the validation addiction. happiness is individual, take personal responsibility for it. don’t depend on someone else to create it nor depend on someone else to dictate how you should feel it.

put your energy into things that make you better, that matter- tear stained cheeks don’t make you better.

don’t run.

you can run miles to get your mind off it, off him, off work. but whenever there is solitude, they will resurface. so take those memories, don’t throw them away. but reframe them- with compassion and strength.

smile.

you’re going to fall, you’re going to break, you’re going to lay on the floor and cry because the merlot stained shirt is just too dirty to wear yet again.

but get up.

accept that you don’t need verbal validation nor comparison to accept the fact that you are a vessel of wonder. love is inherently yours, accept it, take it, and most importantly share- especially before you realize it might be too late.

UBUNTU

I am me because you are you: UBUNTU

on november seventeenth I will turn twenty two. thats 8030 days, 192720 hours, one eye freckle and roughly 30,000 genes.

thats too many bowls of late night popcorn, many tear stained lessons learned, venti soy lattes with one raw sugar, struggles, successes, breathtaking trips to landscapes that didn’t seem palpable, memories that fill hard drives for days, and it all involves some of the greatest humans you will ever encounter.

my parents met on a blind date to the 1989 georgia v. georgia tech football game. two weeks later they were engaged. the basic social unit in my universe, three years later, my parents gave me life.

each of us inherit genes that craft us into the unique cast that we deem society and through those genes we develop into individual, separate humans. however, genes aren’t what shape the soul and we aren’t quite separate at all.

frequently we think of ourselves as separate from each other, put head to head by today’s ideals, competing in animalistic tendencies for a pay check.

but the truth is, you cannot be a human on your own. while genes are our seeds, we need nurture, care, and fertile soil to thrive. so to everyone that has watered me, enriched my roots, fed my passions- I am because you are.

UBUNTU : the idea that I am what I am because of who we all are.

I stumbled across this word as I was stalking gage huntley’s site [rad metal work btw- http://gagehuntleydesigns.goodsie.com/%5D . the word completely captivated my core. so naturally I googled it.

originally, a political ideology in South Africa, ubuntu is a stunning concept. embodying the idea of connection and unification, ubuntu appears in South Africa’s Interim Constitution, as their nation was liberated from apartheid. it reads: “There is a need for understanding but not for vengeance, a need for reparation but not for retaliation, a need for ubuntu but not for victimization.”

a need for ubuntu. a need for the you.

ubuntu is the essence of being human. it chronicles the notion that you can’t exist in isolation. every conversation, every embrace, every late night text message- thats my ubuntu.

---

the led lights refracted off my tortoise frames as I began to read the teleprompter, a long way from reporting the daily lunch schedule to my middle school- tonight I anchored my first grady newscast.

thirty minutes flew by along with the post show critique and I found myself hauling my gear back to the sixth floor of the parking garage. [that walk gets longer every day I swear] but there I was, exactly where I started twelve hours before.

I try not to count the days but rather make the days count and today marks the end of another one. however, today hits home a little harder.

---

first and foremost, to the man upstairs, my heavenly father, who blessed me beyond belief by this absurd animation I call my life.

to my parents, who bought me my first camera when I was in fifth grade- thank you. thank you for feeding my passions and ignoring the narcissistic photoshoots I had in our backyard because you believed in me.

to every person that told me I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, and that I would depend on a man one day- thank you. thank you for fueling the fire that drives my soul and for helping me find independence within the grips of society.

to my bosses, editors, and advisors that have given me numerous opportunities- thank you. thank you for investing in my life and being the role models I look to emulate. without you, I’d still be on that middle school newscast.

and lastly, to my friends, the most inspiring cast of characters- thank you. thank you for giving me endless inspiration, love, support, and most importantly eye rolls when the nattitude is too much to handle. you are forever my muses.

you humans truly make me, me. and although paths have changed and time has passed, your presence stays with me as if the marrow in my bones.

---

I think john lennon said it best when he said, “I am he as you are he as you are me, and we are all together”

no words can do justice to the amount of love + compassion + gratitude I share towards each and every one of you. thank you for the most beautiful twenty two years on this planet earth.

-nat roe