thirty nine days ago the intermediate of a violet + indigo bay stared back at me as I pushed up the plastic shutter. my mouth went dry. my stomach dropped. my heart was flooded with the same butterflies I get when I meet my brunch plate for the first time.
two suitcases in hand – I arrived in san francisco on a one way flight.
we all have an ideation of ourselves – mine? obviously the marriage between oprah + ruth bader ginsburg, iris apfel’s closet, tied together by the wit of amy poehler, sung by aretha franklin. I mean, perfection.
but perhaps those who know me best know the confidence that I like to exude through a sarcastic, independent, gypsy escape is actually shackled by the fear of being alone.
so here I am, after never living outside of georgia, never having to navigate a city blindly, and maybe scariest of all – never having to rely on public transportation. across the country after turning down a full-time offer. alone.
I sat in my bed and stared at the wall. looking down like…what do I do with my hands. checking my phone remembering I was three hours behind and my comfort blanket knitted by my best friends was asleep. I walked to the nearest coffee shop and sat down. alone.
the next morning I walked to the bus station and rode to work. alone.
as I paced back in forth in the elevator it hit me. this was it.
I would turn the knob to my office to be greeted by a flux of passionate chaos. the same butterflies that had perpetrated my body swam through my bloodstream.
six oclock. I left the office. got on the bus. and began to laugh.
I had done the damn thing – I moved across the country + successfully survived my first day of work. alone.
the past few years I have been very dependent. always feeling that I needed someone’s presence in my life for validation. never wanting to embrace the liberation that comes from being single. always caught up in the new, the next. never enjoying the now.
but through each train ride, meal, and experience I am having alone – I’m learning that it produces freedom. YOU control you. that everything you want, can be yours, if you work hard enough. that bad days last for twenty four hours and each sun rise is the chance to try again. that the people who stay up despite time zones are the ones that matter. that home is people, not a physical space.
that every stranger is conversation. that each new opportunity deserves a yes. that you should care about your work but not the result of that work. that artists see the world the way they CHOOSE to see it. that you shouldn’t question where your creativity takes you. that when you treat yourself good, you look good. that your past doesnt matter. but this moment does.
that the world is beautiful + so are you.
tonight I pushed up the plastic shutter on my flight home and saw the same sight from thirty nine days ago. emancipation emerging with each wave.
I am pursuing my passion. I have surrounded myself with the most intelligent, thoughtful, INCREDIBLE humans. and I am writing the story I deserve to have. I am happy. I am healthy. and I am alone.
the same butterflies weaved through my skeleton. I hope I never lose those.
+ I hope you find yours.
nat roe 